Gwen and Geoff Review the Internet
by 100TenMillion
Summary: In the style of That Guy with the Glasses and the Angry Video Game Nerd, Gwen and Geoff review the junk made by the Internet!
1. Chapter 1

Gwen and Geoff Review the Internet

Review 1: Nyan Cat

Gwen is fiddling with her web cam.

"Yo Geoff, we gotta start soon. You ready?" Gwen turns her web cam on.

"On my way!" Geoff sits down next to Gwen. "Ok dudes, let's rock this show!"

Gwen: Wassup everyone, I'm Gwen, this idiot's Geoff, and this is 'Gwen and Geoff Review the Internet.'

Geoff: Yo wassup dudes, we're on our own iCarly!

Gwen: Geoff, why do you have to mention that crappy show? That show sucks donkey cocks!

Geoff: What? That show is hilarious, man! I especially love Spencer, man. That guy's funny! Props to Jerry Trainor, dude!

Gwen: Ugh, whatever. Anyway guys, tonight we have a crappy video to review. This video is the bane of the Internet, and is part of the cancer that's killing /b/.

Geoff: (Holds up a picture of a can pointing a gun at a bee) This is the can, sir, that is killing bee. (Laughs)

Gwen: (Angrily rolls her eyes) Anyway, the video we're reviewing is Nyan Cat. You all know that stupid video, but in case any of you in our 'lovely audience' is enough of a lucky bastard to have never seen or heard of this video, you can suck one.

Geoff: But anyway, here's a clip of Nyan Cat!

**At this moment, a clip of a cartoon cat with purple fur and a body in the shape of a wild berry pop tart appears on screen. Combined with oddly chipper music, this cat skips in rhythm with the music, going "Nyan nyan" throughout the whole video. The clip lasts five seconds.**

Gwen: That, ladies and gentlemen, is the whole gist of the video. In five seconds, you have learned ALL there is to know about Nyan Cat!

Geoff: Yeah! The cat's so cute (Starts doing some baby talk) Come on guys, you know you love the kitty!

Gwen: This crap is just awful! Imagine, there's a version of this video that lasts 48 hours! OK, let's look at that clip again.

**At this moment, the previous clip plays again. This time it lasts half a minute.**

Gwen: Who in the world would watch that shit for 48 hours straight!? OK, let's be clear here, that's a whole two days! A whole two days sitting your ugly ass in front of the computer, watching this shit and nothing else!

Geoff: Aww, but the cat's so cute...

Gwen: It's a pop tart cat farting rainbows in outer space, Geoff.

Geoff: Yeah, that's what makes it so awesome!

Gwen: This video is nothing but a looped image with the most annoying music piece ever made. It has no intellectual or emotional value. It's an absolute pile of crap that underscores the death of human creativity.

Geoff: Nah, man. It's a cute video of a pop tart cat farting rainbows in outer space. How is that not creative? And you know, just because it's crap to you, doesn't mean it's crap to everybody.

**At this point, two letters are handed to Gwen. One's for her, the other's for Geoff.**

Gwen: Alright, so now it's mail time, where we answer some of the mail you send to us. And my letter for the day reads as thus:

_Dear Gwen: Please show me your tits. Sincerely, 'Ken'._

Gwen: Alright, Ken. Here's my response to you: Go fuck yourself.

Geoff: And this is what my letter says:

_Dear Geoff: Love the show. Huge fan. Love, mom._

Geoff: Thanks mom! Love you too!

Gwen: (Rolls her eyes) Anyway, to recap, here's what we thought about Nyan Cat. I think it's the bane of the Internet...

Geoff: And I think it's awesome!

Gwen: Anyway, that's our show, we'll see you guys next time.

Gwen turns off the webcam. "Fuck Nyan Cat."

Geoff chuckles. "Nyan Cat forever, man."


	2. Chapter 2

**Gwen and Geoff Review The Internet**

**Review 2: Copypasta**

"Hello all you fuckfags on the Internet. I'm Gwen, that's Geoff, and this is our review show."

"Wassup bros!" Geoff picks up a piece of paper. "So, I got this email, from like a pal, and this is what it says..."

The following text appears onscreen:

_**A girl and boy were speeding over 100mph on a motorcycle.**_

**Girl: Slow down, I'm scared.**  
**Boy: No, this is fun.**  
**Girl: No it's not. Please? It's too scary.**  
**Boy: Then tell me you love me.**  
**Girl: I love you, now slow down.**  
**Boy: Now give me a big hug.**  
**She gave him a big hug.**  
**PBoy: Can you take off my helmet & put it on yourself? It's bothering me.**  
**She took of his helmet and put it on.**

**In the newspaper the next day a motorcycle had crashed into a building because of brake failure. Two people were on it, only one survived. The truth was that halfway down the road, the guy realized that the brakes were broken, and he didn't want the girl to know. Instead he had her hug him and say that she loves him one last time. Then he had her put his helmet on so that she would live even if it meant that he would die.**

**That was a True story. If you felt that it was sad, Please help me to show people How Powerful Love Is by putting it on your profile.**

"That was such a lovely story." Geoff wipes a tear from his eye. "So much love, man. Muchos luchos!"

"The hell is that shit?" Gwen crosses her arm. "That was no love story! That was shit!"

"How is this not a love story, Gwen?"

"Simple, let's analyze the story. Number one, guy was going 100 miles per hour! That's illegal in like, 99% of every country on Earth! He was being reckless! Number two, there was only one helmet? EVERYONE who owns a motorcycle knows that NO ONE should ride one without a helmet! Basically, by allowing his girlfriend to ride with him without a helmet, the guy was risking her life needlessly, while driving at 100 miles per hour!" Gwen takes a deep breath as she is visibly shaking from anger. "It is not a romantic story of true love, it's a story of an idiot who needlessly risked his girlfriend's life and paid the price for it by dying! It's shit!"

"Well, maybe I found it romantic, you know? Like, the guy knew either one of them will die, so he decided he'll die instead of the girl he loves!" Geoff sighs. "And before you go about the brake thing not working, sometimes these things happen, ya know? Like my buddy Cliff, he had his car regularly checked? And one time, his brakes just snapped right on the highway! Crashed his car, he did. Luckily, no one got hurt."

"I'm sorry to hear that. But know what? I don't find it romantic at all. In fact, I find this story to be emotionally manipulative." Gwen looks directly at the camera. "And that's what's so bad about these kinds of stories, people. They try their best to manipulate the way you feel by pandering to this erroneous notion of 'romantic tragedy', when it really is neither a romance nor a tragedy. This makes Twilight look good!"

"But Twilight IS good, Gwen!" Geoff crosses his arms. "I actually liked the books!"

"All of them?" Gwen is shocked.

"Yeah, I even liked Breaking Dawn." Geoff chuckles. "I'm Team Jacob all the way, so that's why I loved it."

"Wait, you are one hundred percent OK with Jacob imprinting on an INFANT?" Gwen is horrified. "How could you like Twilight? And most importantly, how can you like Breaking Dawn!?"

"Well, I interpreted Breaking Dawn like this: Jacob didn;t get the girl, but that's OK cuz not only was he too good for her, but he now also gets to tell the guy who stole Bella from him 'Hey man, you took Bella, but I will get to fuck your daughter.' And Edward hates it!" Geoff bursts out laughing.

"Well, anyway, the thing that pisses me off about copypastas like this is that pretty much everyone lacking neurons justs posts them onto their profiles or facebook walls! It's like, write your own damn copypasta! Be original! Do something!"

"Stephenie Meyer was being very original when she made vampires sparkle, you know?" Geoff looks at the camera. "And you know, Gwen, I think that copypastas are a good way to express what you think, you know? Not everyone is, like, good with words, so someone else wrote exactly how they feel, you know?"

"You used the term 'you know' four times. I am amazed by your expansive vocabulary." Gwen rolls her eyes. "Anyway, that was our two cents in regards to copypastas. And now, it's time to answer some of your mail."

Someone hands Gwen a letter. "Cool, just one for me today. This one reads..."

**Dear Gwen: I love the show, Geoff is the bomb! How did you two get the idea to start a show? Love, Jasmine.**

"Well Jasmine, I used to have a vlog. Since I live with his girlfriend, Geoff tends to visit about every fricking day, whether he's welcome or not."

"I'm always welcome!" Geoff smiles deviously.

"Anyway, one day this moron decides to get on my live vlog, and he's just being a jackass. For SOME reason, you bunch of morons loved it, and for five vlogs straight, the ONLY comments I'd get were 'Bring back Geoff!' So, I brought back Geoff, and now everyone's happy except for me. Woop de fucking doo." Gwen rolls her eyes. "I used to talk about important stuff, like the environment!"

"And now you're talking about the Internet?" Geoff scratches his head. "That's a bummer."

"Well, at least I stay honest and true. And sometimes I talk about important shit." Gwen sighs. "And it's not like I don't get views. Our audience pretty much quadrupled since Geoff joined."

"See? A bright side to everything!" Geoff smiles. "Anyway, I think that's our show. See you guys next time!"


	3. Chapter 3

**Gwen and Geoff Review the Internet**

**Review 3: FarmVille**

"Hello all you sad sacks of shit. I'm Gwen, this asshole's Geoff and this is our review show." Gwen frowns. "And today, I am super mad."

"Aw come on, Gwen. It's not like playing a game will kill ya." Geoff smiles sheepishly. "Come on! I wanna grow some blueberries!"

"Fuck you, shit head. If you wanna grow some goddamn blueberries, pick up a garden hoe and plant some! You know, in real life and NOT on Facebook!" Gwen turns to the camera. "Tonight, we are gonna talk about yet another facet of that huge pile of donkey piss you morons call Facebook. This is a 'game' that morons spend hours and hours playing, spending real money and real time planting imaginary crops that benefit no one. This is FarmVille."

"FarmVille is fun, yo! I have like 20 trees, and I always collect my crops daily!" Geoff smiles proudly.

"It's not fun! Tell me, how is THIS fun?" Gwen plays a clip of FarmVille gameplay. A player sprite collects plums from a plum tree. "Yeah, I get to do that once every three hours or so. Absolute fun! Not."

"Well it's fun to see all the hard work you put into your farm give fruit, know what I'm saying?" Geoff smiles. "And besides, it helps a dude relax and make friends."

"And how many of them are you planning on meeting in real life?" Gwen raises an eyebrow. "In fact, no. I have a better question: How many times have you talked to these people about something OTHER than FarmVille?"

"Well, OK, you got me there. But still, it's just a game you play for fun!" Geoff smiles. "And it's relaxing!"

"Yeah, relaxing. It's relaxing by being boring as hell." Gwen turns to the camera. "And here's another gameplay clip, unedited for you."

A Farmville sprite is walking around her farm, walking past some ducks and a pig. She walks over to a patch of squash. A small bar appears over her head, and a second later the squash dissapears, having been collected.

"Thrilling." Gwen rolls her eyes. "And you know what? You get to do that every day! Cuz if you don't, then the crops will DIE, and you will have to plant them AGAIN! Oh no!"

"Yeah, OK, I am willing to concede some territory here. FarmVille isn't for everyone. It's not something you can go pro with, it's not a contest, and there's no end to it. It's just harmless fun." Geoff turns to the camera. "And that's what makes it good. It's nothing more than harmless fun. What's wrong with that?"

"Did I mention that the game sells you some shit for REAL money?" Gwen grits her teeth. "No kidding, check this out."

We now see a picture of a green FarmVille horse.

"YOU get to buy THAT for only seven American dollars! Amazing!" Gwen gags. "This game needs to die!"

"Alright, enough of that. It's time for some mail." Geoff holds out two envelopes. "This is the first one, and it's for Gwen."

Gwen opens up the letter. It reads:

**Dear Gwen: The other day I found a mermaid, and I need to know, how can we have sex? Please reply, love Jermaine.**

"Well Jermaine, stick it in either her mouth or her ear. I'm sure your tiny dick can fit in there. Next letter."

Geoff gives the second letter to Gwen. It reads:

**Dear Gwen: I have a hot mom. Her boobs are huge, so I tend to stare at them. The other day, she and I got a little tipsy, and things got way out of hand. But I liked it a lot, and want to do another one. How can I seduce my mom? Signed, Anonymous.**

"Oh Hell no! I'm not going into that! That's it! Show's over!" Gwen gets up, visibly disgusted. She leaves.

"Uh...so tune in next time, guys! We'll have a great show, too." Geoff smiles weakly.

"Internet's full of freaks!" Gwen' voice is heard from across the room.


	4. Chapter 4

**Gwen and Geoff Review the Internet**

**Review 4: Second Life**

"Are we on?" Gwen blows some of her hair off her face. "Bridge, we on?"

"In three, two..." Bridgette gets behind the camera, she holds up one finger, and then signals Gwen.

"Alright, and we are recording. Wassup net freaks, I'm Gwen, this meat head beside me is Geoff, and this is our review show."

"Wassup homeys? Did ya miss us? It's been ages!" Geoff smiles at the camera, waving like crazy. "And hey! Check it out, my girl's now a part of the crew! She's the cameraman now! Say hi, Bridge!"

"Geoff, I'd rather not." Bridge says from behind the camera. "Oh shit, this ain't live, is it?"

"Hell no." Gwen snickers. "But if it were, it'd be uncensored and uncut."

"OK, so you guys are probably wondering where the hell we been all this time. Well, we had a little virus a while back, then our site got hacked by this guy who didn't like our content. We recorded a new episode about Amanda Todd, right? But we didn't upload it because we didn't know if it would be well received or not..." Geoff clears his throat. "Anyway, we'd like to apologize to all our fans for the wait we made them go through."

"Yeah, the four or five morons who enjoy this shitty show unironically." Gwen rolls her eyes. "Anyway, today we are going to talk to you about a big, stinking pile of horse shit. This is part of that horrible cancer that's ruining the Internet."

"She is not exagerating, guys. This is a pretty bad game." Geoff chuckles. "But only if you think about it too hard."

"Second Life. Guys, just the NAME makes my blood boil." Gwen seethes with anger. "It's like this: you make a crappy avatar that looks NOTHING like you and then you walts around a 3D environment, pretending to be something you're not."

"Uh...guys, I know that normally I'm the voice of dissent on this show. But this is one of those few, FEW times I ever agree with Gwen." Geoff sighs. "In Second Life, you can customize your avatar any way you want it. And I mean any way possible! Here's a few examples of just how you can customize your avatar!"

A picture of 500 different avatars is shown. Not one of those avatars look alike. To describe a pair, one of these avatars is a man with jet black hair in a Caesar cut, a black tee shirt, jeans, biker boots and a pair of sunglasses. Another avatar has long, brown hair, a white tee shirt, milky white skin, a red skirt, red pumps and a pair of silver earrings.

"Most people choose to make their avatars look 'trendy', 'sexy' and generally rich looking. Basically, it's escapism at its very worst." Gwen rubs her forehead. "Generally, you'll see the same body type, no matter where you go: supermodel skinny for women, adonis like for men."

"Though some people go for muscular girl avatars and skinny male ones. Also there's furries." Geoff chuckles. "Kinda freaky, eh?"

"Yeah, but those are few and far, far, FAR between. Truth is, most people just end up looking like this." Gwen shows a picture of a female avatar. She is tanned, has blonde hair, wears sunglasses and a silky green dress. The avatar looks like a classic movie star.

"So how about we take a rundown of who might really be behind every avatar, eh?" Gwen grins evilly.

She holds a picture of an avatar. It is male, with sunglasses and a black suit. "This avatar belongs to some unemployed jackass who lives with his mom."

She holds a picture of a female avatar with flowing red hair, long legs, a white sun dress, white high heel shoes, and some bracelets. "This avatar belongs to that girl you knew in high school who could never get a date because her breath smelled like farts."

She holds one last picture. It is another female avatar, with plump breasts, a ripped T shirt, ripped jeans, high heel shoes, and black hair in a ponytail. "And this belongs to a guy in real life."

"That last part is super freaky." Geoff laughs out loud. "I can understand wanting an avatar that's nice to look like, but dude, don't go around pretending to be a girl!"

"And of course, there are girls who pretend to be men." Gwen sighs. "This wouldn't be so bad if everything just stayed like that, but it gets worse."

"There are people that actually form relationships on Second Life. Like, REAL relationships, you know?" Geoff scratches his head. "I mean, why? Why do people do that kinda thing, yo?"

"Check this out. There are people who have pretend BABIES on Second Life! Ladies and gentlemen, there are people out there that treat a bunch of zeroes and ones like if they were REAL babies!" Gwen huffs. "Freaks, all of them."

"I know some people are into pretending and all, but dudes, seriously. It's a bunch of zeroes and ones. It ain't real." Geoff chuckles. "It's like a Tamagotchi, yo."

"Yeah. I know some of you have real lives that absolutely suck. Most of you are losers that never get laid, never shower, and work at Burger King for minimum wage. You suck, and that explains why you wanna escape to a second life and suck a lot less." Gwen sighs. "But you don't suck less. You don't stop sucking until you fucking do something about your shit-tacular life. Go out! Meet people! Shower daily! Throw your garbage in a garbage bag! But don't go logging into your computer and pretend that you are someone else!"

"Life's good, homeys! Go out and enjoy it!" Geoff gives two thumbs up. "I love you dudes and duddettes, all of you!"

"Hey Gwen, do you have to be such a potty mouth?" Bridgette sighs. "I am so glad we can edit this later..."

"Edit? Bridge, what are you talking about?" Gwen snickers. "This is live!"

"Oh sh-" And Bridgette truns off the camera at that moment.


	5. Chapter 5

**Gwen and Geoff Review the Internet**

**Review 5: Twitter**

Gwen sighs to herself. "Is the camera ready, Bridge?"

"Yeah hold on, I'm getting ready." Bridgette adjusts the camera. "So...this show is live, eh?"

"Pretty much." Gwen smirks. "Actually, it's recorded and then uploaded. I just don't like editing."

At that moment, Geoff enters. "Wassup, is it show time yet?"

Gwen glares at Geoff. "You're late."

"Sorry, sorry. I was updating my Twitter." Geoff smiles.

"Twitter, eh?" Gwen smiles deviously. "That's our topic."

"OK, in five, four, three..." Bridgette raises one finger, then signals Gwen.

"Hey wassup furbags, I'm Gwen, this gorilla's Geoff, and this is our review show."

"Wassup homeys?" Geoff pumps a fist into the air.

"Today I wanna talk to you guys about yet another agent of that infectious disease known as pop culture. This pox on human kind is a cancerous influence on human culture, and is responsible for the destruction of many IQ points." Gwen smirks. "I'm talking about Twitter."

"Aw man, come on Gwen! Twitter's awesome!" Geoff takes out his cellphone. "It lets us keep in touch with the people we love, AND it's a good way for us to express outselves!"

"Oh, if only that were true. But the truth is, Twitter is a big pile of crap. It's this service where people can 'follow' you, and you write something in 140 letters or less. These are called tweets. The people who are 'following' you then read whatever you wrote." Gwen sighs. "In theory, this would work: brevity is the soul of wit, and all. BUT, 90% of all tweets are crap."

"That's not true!" Geoff types something on his Twitter. "My Twitter is home to many Zen sayings, and stuff!"

"Geoff, yesterday you tweeted about how you uploaded a picture of your dinner on Instagram." Bridgette interjects.

"And thanks to that, people got to see my picture!"

"That just proves my point. Anyway, know what else Twitter is good for? Celebrities speaking shit." Gwen shows a picture. "This is a recent Tweet from Justin Bieber. It says 'Never back away from a challenge.' It has been retweeted thousands of times. Guys, the Beaver said NOTHING of value! 'Never back away from a challenge'...you guys tell me what value those words have! They are nothing but empty words used to motivate shitheads into making their shitty lives a bit less shitty!"

"Well that's what my gym teacher once said." Geoff chuckles. "Course, he got fired for knocking up one of the cheerleaders."

"That's one challenge he should have never taken." Gwen chuckles. "Anyway, people, listen. Twitter is a toilet where people spew their crap. Following people on Twitter is like having your mouths open, saying 'Gimme the chocolate!' Try and have some dignity, people. Stay away from Twatter."

"Anyway dudes, today, we got some mail!" Geoff hands Gwen a letter. "We have one today!"

Gwen reads the letter. It reads:

_Dear Gwen. Your show sucks. Love, H._

"Well, H, here's my response to you." Gwen smiles. "You're right, this show is awful. I blame Geoff."

"Aw man." Geoff slumps on his chair.

"Anyway, that's our show. See ya!" Gwen flips off the camera.

"So...you won't edit this?" Bridgette scowls as she turns off the camera.

"Edit? Hell no." Gwen uploads the video. "I can't be edited, Bridge. I don't roll like that."


End file.
